dementia praecox

Everyone around me seems to have a problem or another. Relations, studies, work... Why don't it all go away? Not motivated at all recently... It's like we're suffering from a depression; everyone seems to be wanting to change their jobs. When will we have the will to fight this depression?

Side note: I might want to do this, to prove to myself that I can... Maybe.

Labels: Being Geek-ish, Rants

At least, that's what I think.
I read the book, and I watched the movie twice (yesterday with Phing again; marathon.) but it scares me to think that I am actually pondering if vampires do glitter.I must have been out of my mind; as usual.
P.S: Marathon with popcorn and chocolate biscuits = love~

Labels: Ponders, Theatrics

Entertained this morning... Good and bad. I was feeling down these few days but I need to feel better and I felt some other people need to too.

Two nights ago I felt suicidal. We had a couple of high-rise buildings to choose from... but suicide is for losers and my insurance doesn't cover it. I've been working at it; seeing all those wonderful works appearing from all over the world and wondering what it'll be like to be one of that. Then my current BOSS just have to burst my tiny bubble.

I stopped drawing leisurely after I lost whatever that cause me to like drawing after secondary school... that's 10 years ago. It brings a bitter smile to my face when I realised the one who encouraged me to start again is now no longer by my side.

Arvin, I missed you.

Picked up the sketch-pad again recently cause I dreamt of you. I have to continue... Because it's you.

Labels: Rants, Studies/Work, Weirdology

*Extracted from http://soshidreams.com/2010/06/soshidreams-closed/*

By Admin on June 12th, 2010
I’ve actually written and rewritten the below over a dozen times tonight but every time the wording just didn’t seem right…so what the heck, my apologies in advance if the words seem harsh, quite frankly I no longer care enough to make things sounds nice…

Earlier today I told my staff to simply rip down the entire site without so much as an explanation but, as usual, they didn’t listen. They urged me to calm down and at least leave a farewell post so, for them I am doing this. This is the last post I will make before deleting this entire site so I might as well say everything I want to say without regret.

When I first started SoshiDreams.com a few months ago, I knew absolutely nothing about SNSD or SONEs. All I knew was that I loved SNSD and wanted to do something special as a fan to show my appreciation for them. Some SONEs warned me that being a casual SONE and starting a SNSD site were two very different beasts but I laughed it off, calling them paranoid. I was absolute in my trust and confidence that all SONEs would love and support SoshiDreams.com, a site whose only purpose was to make the dreams of SONEs come true. I remember I told people there was no possible way for SONEs to be malicious to a site that existed only to bring them happiness but… I found out very quickly how truly wrong I was.

About a month into the new site, we began getting dozens then hundreds of emails a week from SONEs and ANTIs alike complaining about the site. Some common comments were “Why do you give out so few prizes” or “Why are your contests so impossible to win?” We also got things like “Are your contests even real or is this site a scam?” and “SoshiDreams is clearly Yoona and Taeyeon bias, how can you even call yourself a SONE?” As a new SONE and first time site owner, these words were really hurtful to hear. The comments from ANTIs weren’t bad but the accusations from fellow SONEs really stung. My staff and I worked so hard to bring them fun contests and free prizes and yet they demanded more or accused us of being deceitful. Although this was very hurtful to us, we banded even tighter together and vowed to work harder to win those SONEs over.

The first few months were very difficult but I tried my best to smile through it and focus on all the SONEs that supported our efforts. Eventually the ANTIs and hostile SONEs seemed to get bored and things settled down which was a great relief to me. We gave away our first big prize bundle this month and were excitedly gearing up to give away an iPad but, this is when crap really hit the fan. Late one night, our site got flooded with posts by ANTIs and hostile SONEs and my staff actually had to shut down entire portions of the site to freeze and delete the messages. It took a few frantic hours but we eventually managed to remove all the spam but, in the process, we became so so demoralized. In deleting posts, many of us read a lot of the cruel words and were just so discouraged. A lot of the comments were very violent involving threats and promises to turn our real lives upside down by hacking our personal social site accounts, hurting our loved ones etc. Although we eventually realized these threats were mostly empty, the shock and fear was real and many of us were thinking whether running SoshiDreams.com was even worth all this pain and anguish.

Suffice to say I was really struggling this week, trying to hold my scared staff together and keep working on the new site. The final straw came earlier today when a SONE posted this on my personal Formspring:

“Why do you pay your staff? Shouldn’t SONEs want to help because they want to? I feel what you are doing even if it’s ‘non-profit is wrong on so many levels. Don’t take this as a hate post & go cry, it’s an honest opinion about your whole site. Also try to look back on Soshi’s history, I feel like you’re only a fan so that you can show off what you have or can buy. I know a lot more loyal fans than you that don’t own anything SNSD related. Your definition of being a Fan is messed up.”

I cannot even begin to tell you how angry I was after reading this comment. My hands were shaking so hard I almost punched right through my monitor I was so disgusted at the ignorant and vicious attack on my staff. To be honest, I was not angry at the SONE that posted that specific comment, it was more that all the pent up anger, disappointment, sadness and frustration from months and months just burst out of me and I just said that’s it, I’m done. I called an emergency staff meeting on Skype, my entire staff and I read that post together and decided unanimously that SoshiDreams was no longer something any of us wanted to do. That was simply the last straw, we could not take any more.

Anyway, I’ve written enough so, hopefully this post helps explain the ’sudden’ closure of the site. If I can ask one thing of all SONEs, please do not blame anybody for our departure. If you are hurt, angry or sad, blame me as the decision was entirely mine. I feel like I owe so many people an apology but I have no words… I’m just so so tired and want to rest. To all the SONEs that supported us from day 1, you were our light, inspiration and motivation. No matter how tired or frustrated we were, we always gained strength from your kind comments and emails so thank you so so much. All the hard work, sweat and tears, we sincerely did it all for you. To all the ANTIs and SONEs that spent so much time and effort to make us feel like terrible people, you win. Are you happy? I hope you are because you managed to take 12 incredible SONEs and completely destroy their love for this amazing hobby. Lastly to my amazing team, I will speak to you each individually on Skype but, you are the most amazing group of SONEs and people I have ever met. Thank you for letting me lean on you when I needed to… I am so sorry to each of you for not having the strength to be a better leader. Ignore the stupid and ignorant comments about being paid SoshiDreams staff. We all know how the site worked and just why you got paid, you don’t need to explain or justify your love for SNSD to anyone. I love you guys all so much, talk to you soon. <3

Last thought before I post this entry… a SONE asked me on my Formspring once “What is the purpose of SoshiDreams?” To be honest, I had no idea how to respond so I just said something stupid and laughed it off. After everything my staff and I have gone through this month, I think I now have an appropriate answer. Contrary to popular opinion, SoshiDreams wasn’t about me showing off, spending money etc. I am so disgusted that SONEs out there think that I am some materialistic elitist that thinks to be a SONE you have to buy things. SoshiDreams was about dreams and happiness, not ‘things.’ If you didn’t know, I don’t actually give a shit about posters, star cards, folders etc. If you read the post we made about Natalie, THAT is what SoshiDreams is about. Although we say SoshiDreams is a SNSD retail site, it was much much deeper than a site that simply gave out free stuff. We helped hundreds and hundreds of SONEs find happiness, even if it was brief and fleeting. Is that true happiness? Who knows but it brought happiness to many people that really needed it and for God’s sake, to criticize a site that did something so pure and kind is absolutely ridiculous. To any SONE, ANTI or person that criticized or bashed SoshiDreams, I assure you that although my team was paid a tiny amount of money, they did more good things in a week than most do in a year. We used SNSD merchandise simply as a tool to connect with people around the world and bring them a small amount of happiness. Even as I shut this site down, I have no friggin clue how any human being could find fault with that amazingly selfless dream.

Anyway, that’s it, I’m done. I’ve shut down my Formspring and will soon shut down my Twitter and Gmail accounts. One final time, thanks to all the SONEs that supported us as we tried to create something truly special for SONEs. I am so sorry I was not strong enough to see it through, sorry. *bows*

~KC

There's no stopping people from thinking what they want personally. 套罗志祥在《大学生了没》的一段内容：“我在一个女的旁边用电话别人会以为我在要（她的）电话号码，可我只是在按简讯。但你觉得狗仔会买我的帐吗？”The site was once a simple, up-to-date, informative haven for the likes of fans. They even do charity work and are praised by many. To all anti-fans who even minutely cause the close down of this site, fear retribution. 不是不报，时辰未到~

Currently listening to: 宋岳庭 - Life's A Struggle

Labels: Rants, Sing Along

In the "Sayings of Han Fei Zi - The Severe Code of Legalist", was this story:

One day, Duke Wen of Jin found hairs on his roast meat. He summoned the cook for questioning.

"How dare you put hairs in my roast meat! Are you trying to choke me?"

The cook replied, "I am guilty of three capital crimes, Your Majesty. First, I kept my knife as sharp as the legendary sword but only managed to sever the meat but not the hair. Second, I skewered the meat and roasted it on the fire but failed to see the hairs. Thirdly, I kept the fire strong enough to roast the meat but was not able to burn the hairs."

He paused then continues, "... But, is there someone in the kitchen who hates me?"

Duke Wen thought about it and called in the kitchen hand for interrogation. He was found to be the culprit and later executed.

The moral of the story: It pays to probe tell-tale signs in a crime. He who benefits from a crime is the greatest suspect.

Why then did I say that this theory doesn't apply? Or should I say it no longer applies? 不知道是人越活越回去了；退化得没道德可言，还是学会了得寸进尺；越来越会耍心机。 The fact is, be it in work place or in real crimes some people still gets away with this. We always say learn from the past.

Are we really learning though?

Labels: Ponders, Rants

Feeling melancholy. Kept telling myself it was all a fling but is it really? I was taking an afternoon nap when I dreamt of her. Bolt upright from the trigger; a sharp rap on the door. It scares me to think she can affect me so... Why couldn't I sleep well lately?

Labels: Ponders, Weirdology

You wouldn't believe the dream I had. It's like a gangster film. think 艋舺?

Labels: Weirdology

Cin and her big plan of enlarging all her friend's social circle. We had fun. And erh, Happy Birthday! (again) It was a good day after all...

Labels: Birthday Post, Generic Day

Saw the news of Super Junior coming to Singapore. Starting to miss the old days when they are 13. With Han Geng gone, what will happen to Super Junior M? With Henry back in Toronto and Korean fans still against him and Zhou Mi, can the sub group survive? P.S: Congratulations to Super Junior's 4th Album Bonamana's success.

Super Junior - Bonamana

Ddanddaranddan, ddanddaranddan, ddanddaranddan, ddadaddarabba
Ddanddaranddan, ddanddaranddan, ddanddaranddan, ddadaddarabba

[SIWON] Neon alggamalgga alggamalgga neomu yebbeun miina
Nal michyeotdago malhaedo nan niga jotda miina
[HEECHUL] Nuga jeonhaejweo my baby, to my baby naega yeogi itdago malya
Gidalinda malya (Baby, you turn it up now)

[KYUHYUN] Neon, gatabuta, gatabuta mal jom haera miina
Ni maeumeul gajyeotdamyeon geunyang naneun salmyi winner
[YESUNG] I sesangyi ichiran, ichiran, yonggi itneun jareul ddara
Na gateun nom malya

[RYEOWOOK] Ye male say, yeol beon jjigeumyeon neomeoganda
Eusseug, eusseug, eusseug
[SUNGMIN] Geunyeoneun gangjeok ggeuddeogeobtda
Bbijjug, bbijjug, bbijjug.
[RYEOWOOK + SUNGMIN] Nan eoddeogargga eoddeogargga geunyeomani
Nae gwansimin geol, geol, geol

Bounce to you, bounce to you nae gaseumeun neol hyanghae jabil sudo
Eobseul mankeum ddwigo itneungeol
Break it down to you, down to you nae gaseumi neo, neol gajji
Motandamyeon meomchul georanda (nal barabwara)

Borggamargga, borggamargga, borggamargga na gateun namja
Bonchemanche, bonchemanche, bonchemanche doraseo bwado
Bogobwado, bogobwado, bogobwado na bagge eobtda
Bonamana, bonamana, bonamana (Baby, you turn it up now)

[DONGHAE] Mweol sargga, sargga, sargga, sargga neoreul wihan seonmul
O, michigetda. Saenggakman haedo joahal ni moseub
[KYUHYUN] Listen girl! [DONGHAE] Joahae
[KYUHYUN] Baby girl! [YESUNG] Saranghae
[KYUHYUN] Namani neoreul wihan namja
[YESUNG] Deureojweo bwa neoreul hyanghan gobaek

[RYEOWOOK] Nae mamyi say, aeman taeuji malgo jebal
Ggeudeok, ggeudeok, ggeudeok
[SUNGMIN] I noryeok jeongdomyeon narado guhae
Giteuk, giteuk, giteuk
[RYEOWOOK + SUNGMIN] Nan eoddeogarago, eoddeogarago geunyeomani
Nae jeonbuin geol, geol, geol

Bounce to you, bounce to you nae gaseumeun neol hyanghae jabil sudo
Eobseul mankeum ddwigo itneungeol
Break it down to you, down to you nae gaseumi neo, neol gajji
Motandamyeon meomchul georanda (nal barabwara)

Borggamargga, borggamargga, borggamargga na gateun namja
Bonchemanche, bonchemanche, bonchemanche doraseo bwado
Bogobwado, bogobwado, bogobwado na bagge eobtda
Bonamana, bonamana, bonamana na bagge eobtda

[LEETEUK] Nan deudyeo michilgeoya. Pogbarhae beoril geoya
[HEECHUL] Deo mot chamgesseo geunyeomanyi milgo danggigi
[EUNHYUK] O jinjja michilgeoya Nuga jom malryeobwa bwa
[SIWON] Ireoke himdeul georan geol nuga marhaesseoyaji

[RYEOWOOK] (It's) True, true nae gamjeongeun gal gosi eobseo
Nege majchweo beoringeol neon jal aljanni
[KYUHYUN] How to keep loving you? Naega jinjja nege jaralge idaero nal sseogyeo
Dujima

[YESUNG] Gidarinda Miina!
[SHINDONG] Hope you'll step to me, step to me
[YESUNG] Saranghanda Miina!
[SHINDONG] Bring it, sign to me, sign to me
Hahahaha hahahahaha
[RYEOWOOK] Geunyeoga imi nal barabol
[KYUHYUN] junbiga dwae isseotna bwa

Bounce to you, bounce to you nae gaseumeun neol hyanghae jabil sudo
Eobseul mankeum ddwigo itneungeol
Break it down to you, down to you nae gaseumi neo, neol gajji
Motandamyeon meomchul georanda (nal barabwara)

Borggamargga, borggamargga, borggamargga na gateun namja
Bonchemanche, bonchemanche, bonchemanche doraseo bwado
Bogobwado, bogobwado, bogobwado na bagge eobtda
Bonamana, bonamana, bonamana na bagge eobtda

Labels: Fangirling, Ponders, Sing Along